Responses to Group

Mae-

I think this has potential but I want to know where you think the story is. Is it more about the bar or the patrons or your relationship with the bar and the patrons? It has to be more clear where you are going from the beginning—what exactly are you profiling? I think I way you can do that is by really showing rather then telling. I bet the bar would be really fun and interesting to describe—although it might be a challenge to see it the way someone who had never been in there would since you grew up there. Maybe start by sitting in there and really describing what stands out to you the most- a particular patron, the mood of the setting, or maybe your dad, the owner??? It seems by the end you are about to start profiling him.

Austin-

Are you profiling the place or the hours you and other people might eat? We might have a similar problem in our first drafts, nothing excited us, nothing really stood out, we took the wrong angle, and we need to move on or find something more specific and/or more interesting to write about. Of course your descriptions are well written and thorough but they can’t save a profile that has no clear purpose as of yet. Keep working, I’ll go back with you for more research si quieries.


Regis-

I think you should try writing a version of this without you in it. Although I can tell you personally skateboard and have particular feelings about skateboarding and how its viewed by non-skateboarders, I think your piece would be more powerful without the “I”—or at least is worth a shot. Give me more description too, the history of skateboarding is good but you need a lot of SHOWING of the actual skate zoo and the people in it to balance it. Also, before you start writing again, figure out your focus. Is it on a particular skater—Gerald? The skate zoo as a space that represents a misinterpreted sport? Good start, way to get through the length and way to pick an interesting place.

Elizabeth-

I’m glad you were brave and wrote about the “lining up process.” Your descriptions throughout the whole piece were good and I think you should keep most of them. I do think you could inject more humor into the piece, like you did when you told the story outloud. We know that the humor is there because we were all rolling with laughter- it was YOUR voice that told the story that made us laugh…so I know you can do it. Also, your lead has the right idea but I think it needs some reshaping and rewording. Overall really wonderful story and you included a lot of information that was all interesting.

Toni-

Reading your stories, even your drafts, is effortless. You have a wonderful fluid and detailed style. For most of this piece that is true but the ending (last 3 paragraphs) I have a lot of questions about the purpose of some details and where you wanted to go. What is most interesting to me is the journey to Kalamazoo and the restaurant—the history of working in so many places in the fields, and why kalamazoo proved to be the place to stay and succeed.

Martin-

There is a some interesting stuff in here and a lot of you filling in with observations about how you feel, think, relate to the place. That can be good, and parts where your voice comes in is really fun, funny, interesting, but make sure you are doing it in the right places for the right reasons. I know I used my voice as filler in my non-exciting uninteresting piece-without-a-point, and I don’t think you need to do that because you have some interesting leads. I don’t know if you feel comfortable, but the AA thing would be great to go into—smoking is social and Fourth Coast is almost more of a smokehouse than a coffee one. That was more interesting to me and I think you started to flesh that out in your last paragraph.