Comments for group

Mae

Is this a day in-the-life story, a story about bar as a center of a community, a profile of the bar, of you and the clientele, or what? I feel that this lacks a focus and that makes some of the details of the story, although interesting, go nowhere. I think that the most interesting part of the story is the two women, Wheezy and Brenda, as workers who are managing two central places in the middle of a specific neighborhood with specific clientele. It even seems like they might have a relationship with one another given their comments. I bet they have a lot of stories to tell that speak to the area. The last paragraph Brenda’s personality starts coming through and it’s the most lively and interesting part of the piece.

Austin

Your unexpected/unexplained performance might be the key here. I know in class you said you wanted to talk about people who are glbt and some other minority and how they balance, think about, defend, use their identity. Your own experience with this, especially in a setting that moved you to stand up and join in community and connection with other people is perhaps evidence for the success and/or the need of Pulse and/or spaces like the Fire Gallery --or even how roles or the feeling of membership to a certain group or identity is shown to be both positive, a way to make connection, and ludicrous and unfair as is obvious through the way strangers in this space can communicate and connect because they are in boxes and not despite of it. I don’t know how the actual experience was so forgive me if I’m making assumptions. I do think that you should trust your own instincts and experiences here though, especially with how well you can communicate a mood and the reasons people do what they do in social settings.

Toni

This is well written, as are most of your rough drafts of your pieces. Your ability to incorporate quotes and give vivid details is wonderful but I was frustrated sometimes with this piece because I wasn’t sure where you were going or more accurately I suppose, why this topic matters. It is only interesting because you write well but I need convincing of why this is something that we should pay attention to given all the other things you could write about.

Martin

I think that your piece is too individualized, if that makes sense and is a word. The topic could appeal to a wide audience but the way you incorporate yourself somehow closes it off. I think if you spend more time on the dunes or on other characters it might help but try approaching this problem from a different angle. See how far you can get with using yourself and even if you can’t write the whole piece without “I” then at least you will see more clearly where it will actually help strengthen the piece, not just fill and tell. The conflict of someone being an environmentalist and not changing his or her lifestyle completely is pretty widespread, but I think your piece could be more provocative than that.

Regis

Bummer that it didn’t work out for this guy. It must have been hard trying to figure out what angle to take. I think the teamwork thing is interesting but I don’t know if it’s enough. I also think that the entrepreneur kid angle can be interesting but you don’t quite give enough to convince me that that is the whole story either. Bottom line is that I think you can do both and make it intriguing but you need way more detailed attention to character and tighter scenes. There is plenty going on and plenty of people around but no scene or person is very vivid. Keep going with it, I think it can turn into something great.

Elizabeth

It appears that you have several stories running through this rough draft and you haven’t been able to focus or get excited about any of them. The story about race and staff is a totally separate story than one about how students treat security in general. And the ridiculous things parents call about or that security has to deal with every day could be something else as well. Also, the strange close-minded quote from the freshman threw me for an even bigger loop. I think that you should go with what most interests you, what most gets your fingers moving across the keys. Take another angle, do another interview but stick with what is interesting and what you want to write about.