My Comments for My Group Members

Elizabeth

Really interesting piece, Elizabeth. It was relevant even though I myself am not engaged, I get the feeling of the bigger struggle here. I do think that it could be clarified, if you look at the notes on your piece. Is this really about generational difference, or political ideology, the death (or maintenance despite lots of change) of a powerful institution, or a conflict between feminism, the idea of what it is to be an educated woman, and marriage as the alternative way of being a woman. I think you can do more than one of these themes in this piece but it needs one of them to stronger, or maybe one of them to be the one the reader is sure that YOU are most concerned about. Style-wise, I really love when you get into descriptive passages and more quotes/examples would really fill the piece out, give it more authority. I’m sure more examples will come out when you decide on the central theme. Overall, I can’t wait to read it again in a few weeks! Really great.


Martin

Strong writing as always Martin, especially near the end. I really felt something emotionally coming out of the piece that hit me with a lot of oomph. Your examples are also beautiful, very smooth scenes that you transition in and out of very naturally. This is a lot to give, to feel, to experience in one piece and it seems as if it could have been hard to write at times, but that is what makes it easy to connect to and appreciate. Do you think you could give this piece more of a definite scene or theme? The hospital, as an almost happy place for you, could be explored more in contrast with pain, of both you and your mother. Pain, your pain that you feel now for being more aware of your mother’s, or in contrast with your mother’s (physical struggle v. purely emotional struggle), could be something to go deeper into if you feel comfortable. This is strong stuff, Martin. Bravo.

Austin

I know you so I can hear your voice in my head perfectly. And even if someone didn’t know you, if you read it aloud, they would certainly get your tone, attitude. I am wondering how clear it would be, however, if this was published and read by someone that isn’t our peer and doesn’t have our high level of proficiency in sarcasm and dry ass humor. Not that this piece is supposed to be humorous in its entirety but it rests on (I think, correct me if I’m wrong) knowing that there is a tension, for you, between being gay (loving men) and being homosexual (either fitting a stereotype of what it means to love men by coincidence, that’s who you are, or intention, that’s who you think you’re supposed to be)…. Is that what you want this piece to be about? Or is it about you setting a standard for others you want to date that is really for yourself? Or both? Style-wise, I love how you write. I love especially your description of the perfect man. You always blend description and tone (voice?) to perfection—I know exactly what attitude you have and I’m feeling it with you as I read the piece.
Brittany

This sounds so incredibly rough. I think being physically injured can put a huge stress on your mental state and that is well described here. I do want to know why you put that much pressure on yourself. Of course there are many high schoolers who are ambitious and feel pressure/stress, but yours seems very extreme, especially given your physical condition. What was your relationship with your physical injury, with your body at the time? Was there a level of frustration that operated from the fact that your physical injury was affecting you the strongest mentally? Put another way, I want more examples showing me how you felt, not just telling. I want to get it more, I want to see the internal conflict, the body/mind conflict, and I want to be able to relate to it more. Your flow is nice, it was easy to read, very clear.


Regis

Very entertaining stories, and you are close to a unifying theme-it just needs to be obvious earlier and run its course throughout the whole piece. The story should be proof of your assertion, your theme, a feeling, lesson, etc.—the story isn’t the whole piece, it doesn’t quite speak for itself. I really wanted more details about Panama life, especially Panama politics. What were you doing there? How differently did you look? DESCRIBE/SHOW contrasts between you and your American/Gringoisms and life in Panama. That will be really interesting—what year was this/what age are you? What did your parents do when the car was stolen, was it a culture shock thing for them too—did they have a hard time dealing with beaurocracy b/c they were Americans, or was it easier? I can’t wait to hear more details, get a fuller picture of this time in your life.

Mae

Take that last paragraph and run with it. This piece is super relevant and can me even more so with a little restructuring and some more attention to answering that “why” question at the end. Maybe put that why questions close to the beginning and use the examples for your mom/sis/you to help answer. Think about the examples you use- they are about physical and emotional triggers-- panicking from something physical (dirty hands, pen on your neck) and panicking because of worry about disappointing or being a bad mother. What does this mean to you? What does being on medication mean to you? Is your mom/sis on medication? Do you know any men with the same problem and is this relevant to you?


Toni

Doing it all, controlling your body and your busy schedule—women get this. I think your writing is clear as day, your examples smooth and well-placed, your use of quotes mostly flawless and always useful. I knew how you felt, you really SHOWED it to me, and I could relate on some level almost everytime you described/explained the scenes. Do you want this piece to be about control, about food, about womanhood and perfectionism? Do you want it to be about how a general culture shift in how we look at food is manifesting itself in a troubling way in your own life, macro/micro universe style? I think all you need is to know how you want to end, the point you want to make. I think this is incredible writing Toni and with some tweaking can be very relevant and poignant.